My Crazy Life: Ridiculous Edition

I feel like laughing tonight. How bout you? I was sitting here earlier... thinking about all of the chaos in my rescue life… there’s A LOT of it. I can let it bring me down, or I can let it lift me up. Most days, I hover somewhere in the middle… just making it.
But tonight, I feel like laughing about all of it.

I think if most “normal” people signed up to spend a day in my life, within the first hour... they’d be screaming, “How the mother **** do I get out of here?!” This isn’t a “normal” life. When you take-in as many rescue dogs as I do... crazy things are bound to happen. When you add in the ridiculous people we're forced to deal with… things get… interesting.

Let’s talk dogs. If you’ve ever talked to me on the phone, chances are I asked you to hold on for a second while I did this-or-that for the dogs. The dogs come first with me.

It’s also highly-likely that you heard me say a cuss word or two about something that happened while I was on the phone with you. My buddy, Chris, can attest to this.
Me: “[Cuss word!!!]”
Chris: ‘What happened??’
Me: “I turned my back & Darla ate my [really-bad-word] flip flop.”
Chris: ‘She chewed it up, huh?’
Me: “No. She [bleeping] ate it. I can’t find it anywhere. My entire [filthy-unladylike-word] flip flop is in her stomach!”

Hmm... I don’t know if we should start with the fact that I’m wearing flip flops in February.. or the foster dog’s chewing problem.. or my potty mouth. They're all equally ridiculous topics. And really... I have no good excuse for any of them. Well... maybe the cussing. Let’s be honest, it’s [yep-I-use-words-like-that-word] fun to cuss. And frankly, it keeps people from murdering others... so it's good.

Back to the chaos… the other day I had my Meridian Star newspaper article sitting on the coffee table. I walked outside, walked back in, and it looked like a damn Newspaper Pride Parade had come through the room... tossing out buckets of shredded-news confetti.
Wow. Nice job, pup. This looks like the work of a professional… You’re hired.

There was the time I left an unopened jar of peanut butter on the counter. I ran an errand, came back, & my foster dog had unscrewed the screw-on top, torn through the protective seal (quite neatly, I might add), and licked every bit of peanut butter out of the jar. It actually looked like the jar had been run through the dishwasher. Now, that’s impressive. I later had him do the dishes.

Then, I have my escape artist pup. One day, I put him in his crate & left the house. I came home to find him waiting for me by the door, with a smile on his face. What in the [my-mother-would-be-so-proud-word!] did you do, son?! So I go to his crate, & it’s still in one piece... with the door shut & latched. I shook the crate… tried to pry the sides off… no dice. I still to this day have no freaking idea how the hell he did it.
I did, however, raise his allowance.

Even still... these foster dogs bring more joy to my life than I can even explain in words. Every day, they love me unconditionally, for everything I am… everything I’m not… and for all I've done for them. But my saving them... could never compare to what they do for me. They make me laugh, all day, every day. They lick my tears when I cry. They lay by my side & say, “Mom, I love you. Thank you for saving my life.”

And they give back to me… by showing me that messiness will not be tolerated in this freaking household. It will be punished by us chewing up all of your crap, Mom.

I love them for that. PS- Lucy is feeling better now, and she's actually chewing on the coffee table as we speak. She moved to the table... after I corrected her... from gnawing on the couch. Good girl, Lucy.


  1. You are [really-bad-word]..ing funny as shit, and the most wonderful person i know. I love you.

  2. I guess cuss words are a part of my normal vocab cuz when I talked to you I don't remember hearing one come out of your mouth :P
    Give everyone a hug and kiss from me, Brandy and Brutus. (Sad that I can't add Duke in there anymore but he is in his furever home and I won't be a foster failure!)
    Keep up the awesome work and say all the fucken bad words you want to!!!!

  3. my soul mate Ashley, your life sounds exactly like mine!!! i found my deaf dog sitting in the front yard when i came back from duplin shelter to rescue 5 babies on the euth list. i walked all around the house to see how he did it. this smart boy nosed the kitchen window up and climbed over all my potted herbs without destroying a single one and pushed the screen out and jumped to the ground. he was quite proud of himself!! And to think i was the only one who cusses like a sailor! i declare your house sounds exactly the same as mine!! and now i have 5 babies to clean up lotsa poo behind, but I, like you, wouldn't trade my life for nothing in the world! xoxo I love you!

  4. I laughed SO hard through this whole thing. My babies were up in my face thinking something was wrong my mommy.
    The peanut butter reminded me of a story about my sweet innocent chihuahua that never does anything (yeah right)
    We had a friend who bought a biscuit and was planning to eat at home with a nice warm cup of coffe. Well on the way, she stopped by some land they had. My husband was there with our dogs letting them run and play. She got out, left her car door open and talked for awhile. When she got back in, her biscuit was completely gone. It had been neatly unwrapped without a single rip or tear OR a single crumb left. She now calls him biscuit thief.

  5. Ashley, you are a [I-also-have-a-potty-mouth] riot! I wish I had written this! I'm going to share it with everybody.
    I'm still trying to figure out how two of our dogs got the dishwasher rack out of the dishwasher and into the living room without breaking any dishes or glasses.

  6. Thanks y'all! I'm still constantly amazed that anyone would even want to read what I have to say! Thank you all for reading, commenting, & sharing. I love you!!!

  7. I love you and your cuss words. I thought I was the only "lady" who talked like that until I got the pleasure of talking to you :) I really enjoyed reading this and am so glad to have someone else who knows how I feel and to read about and laugh at their experiences which are so much like my own "normal" life!!!

  8. Ashley, your post is hilarious, especially the part about the peanut butter. I was laughing so hard I got tears! You definitely have not only the gift for helping animals, you have a gift for words and for being so funny! Thanks for brightening everyone's day up!

  9. Ashley, we love to read it because you are so fresh and honest. And being in a field (dog rescue) that a lot of us can relate to makes you a great person to follow. Don't worry about the not so lady like words... your personality and love for animals creates such a bright glow, the cuss words are not even noticed.

  10. Ashley, I f**kin love it! Swear to dog you have the exact mirror image of my dog-filled home! I have a peanut butter obsessed rat terrier mix. Our running joke is that we never have to do the dishes w/ D'Argo & buddies around - absolutely spotless & sparkly clean. Puggy's still taking dish washing classes from the pro, but he'll make it one day. PLEASE give us more just like this - after reading Annie's story, this was just what I needed. There's always hope & damn PILES of dogs who need homes & love! the dogs don't care if you cuss or not, and neither do I. You have a corresponding cusser/dog lover here in AL (I'm a preacher's "kid", so I have some mad cussing skills)!

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