No Humor Allowed

So let’s laugh for a minute, shall we?
Or is that allowed?

Wait, crap… that’s not okay, is it? We have to be serious, right? Silly me, I forgot the "rules" of animal rescue. I should know better by now. No laughing. No fun. No smiling.

Hey you... over there… Is that a smirk on your face? What the hell is wrong with you, freak? You better turn that grin upside down, buddy, and get your happy ass back to despair. And don’t let this happen again… moron.

Here are “the rules” set by a few animal rescuers, which they expect the rest of us to follow: 
(Note: These are not MY rules, and I refuse to follow them. I just find them ridiculously, insanely, hilarious.)

1)     In animal rescue, you must remain stoic, unsmiling, and humorless at all times. (Yes. This sounds fun. Please continue...)

2)     You must spend all day, every day, looking at horrific images, urgent animals, and helpless cases. You must ensure that this activity zaps all of the joy out of your life, and do not try to replenish your happy supply. We don’t need you ruining our hard-earned misery... with your hippity-hoppity, upbeat attitude. Hopping is for bunnies. You are a person.

3)     You must crosspost with reckless abandon. You must feel worthless while doing so. You must say “shared.” If you don’t say “shared,” it didn’t happen.

4)     When someone states: “Adopted” or “Rescued” on a thread, DO NOT take time to rejoice. Do not throw your hands in the air and scream: “YAY!!!” What… you think this is a freaking theme park?? Hey lady... Jump-off that crazy train... and get back to depressed and miserable. Happiness is for pansies. Pansies are flowers. You, my friend, are a rescuer.

5)     You can cry. You can sob. You can scream. But don’t you dare laugh. NO HUMOR ALLOWED. Do not partake in activities that bring you any form of joy.  If it makes you smile, stop it now. If it makes you laugh, go to hell.

6)     Do not make innocent jokes for the sake of your sanity. What the heck is wrong with you? You think it’s okay to lighten the mood?  We’ve worked for years to set this mood lighting to the perfect level of dark and depressing. You like sunshine? Go to the beach. Wait… no. Beaches are fun. DO NOT go to the beach. Fun is for children. You are an adult. Grow up and cry yourself to sleep already.

7)     “Real” rescuers have zero emotion. I know I said you can cry... but I lied. I rescue animals. I can do that.

8)     If you feel completely worthless… good. If you feel hollow inside… perfect. If you feel like you may go insane… damn right you will. Sanity is an illusion. Illusions are for magicians. You, little one, are an animal advocate. (Duh...everyone knows that the word “advocate” really means “depressed lunatic.” That’s like first grade English or something.)

9)     It’s important to note: As a rescuer, you must attempt to undermine the efforts of all other rescuers. This only sounds “crazy” ... if you’re completely sane. In my rescue-reality, this makes perfect sense… because we’re all meant to work against each other. In it for the same reason? Please! I’m in it for me.

10)  If I catch you breaking one of these rules, I will come onto your facebook wall ... and make you feel like an ass. I will have the nerve to write rude comments on YOUR personal page, calling you names and saying you exhibit a “lack of compassion.” Especially if I see any semblance of humor taking place on your stupid, childish wall. Everyone knows ... once you become a “rescuer,” your personal page is no longer personal. It’s open to scrutiny and judgment... and your posts must remain serious at all times. After I berate you, I’ll be freaking pissed when you block me. How dare you? Blocking is for football. I, dumbass, am an animal rescuer.

Wait…I’m sorry. THESE are the rules? Okay, see… cause I thought it was about balance. Fighting for the animals... while trying to stay happy and positive. Working through the heartbreak and misery... by rejoicing in the successes. Taking a break from the tears... to enjoy a little innocent laughter. Dedicating all of my time to helping every last dog that I can... while still trying to appreciate the one life that is mine to live.

But what do I know, right? I'm just a bunny-hopping, pansy-smelling, child magician, football player.

If you believe in the above set of rules, it’s time to take a step back and remember why we do this. We save lives to bring JOY to those who are saved. This process should also bring joy to YOU, too. If your life is completely void of enjoyment, happiness, and laughter, then you’re missing the point. It’s okay to smile every now and then. You may even try laughter... if you’re feeling ballsy.

Don’t be a downer. Downers are for drug addicts. You, sweet friend, are an animal rescuer.

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