"I'm donating a bag of items for your rescue dogs. No need to thank me; these are just some old things we don't need anymore. Here are several, moldly, chewed-up water bowls, with massive holes in the bottom. Sure, they can't currently hold water, but with some labor, caulk, and duct tape... and approximately 10 to 12 runs through an industrial-strength dishwasher, they'll be as good as new. Here are some teeny-tiny, shredded pieces of what used-to-be smelly, old blankets. If you'll just spend the next few days sewing them all together... with the sewing machine you don't have... then this should be enough to keep one, very-small dog real warm. Here are some crusted, disgusting, old toys that our dogs destroyed and peed on. I know your dogs will love them. And here's some dog food that we left sitting out in the rain. Same as wet food, right? So, it looks like your dogs are all set! I'll need a tax receipt now."
"I wanna get a new dog. My last one disappeared. Nope, he didn't run away, and nope, he wasn't stolen. That dog just flippin' vanished into thin air. Weirdest thing. Pretty sure he was raptured. Either way, I wanna get a new one, and I'm thinking you can help me. But I'll go ahead and tell ya, this one ain't coming inside the house. I'm still dodging piss from the last one we let in there. Instead, this dog can roam free, right next to the busy highway. If he's smart, he'll be just fine. If not, I'll just come back for another one. And I don't believe in vet care, 'cause my pastor says it's a scam. Don't matter anyway... I ain't got no money for no damn vet care. Alrighty then, when can I pick one up?"
"I need you to take this dog. He just showed up at my house. If this were any other dog, I'd be willing and happy to help him. But this one's a Pit Bull, so I cannot help this dog. That's where you come in. He seems to be pretty friendly... from what I can see through the screen door. I'll be damned if I'm gonna open it, for fear of my freaking life. He's wagging his tail real fast, so he's probably about to attack me. He's clearly starving to death, so you're gonna need to feed him... when I dump him at your place without permission. Oh, and I'm willing to donate 5 bucks. No need to thank me. It's the least I can do."
"Ashley, I read your blog every single day, and I just want you to know how very much I hate every single thing you write. And I reeeally hate you. What the hell is a freaking CHARITY doing asking for DONATIONS?? You oughta be ashamed of yourself, girl! Asking people to donate toward a charitable cause that saves lives and provides a service to this community. What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously, why you always got to beg? Beg, beg, beg! You oughta bury your head in the sand, girl... wasting your life running a damn charity for a living. Grow up already! I'd really be ashamed if I was you. But nope, I'm not ashamed to be me. Sure, I wasted a lot of useless time searching for your phone number, just so I could call and leave this pointless, stupid-ass message. And of course, I'm a coward, who blocked my number from view before I called you. But clearly, I'm proud of what I have to say... and I'm not the least bit embarrassed to admit that I have nothing better to do with my time... than stalk a blog that I clearly hate, written by a girl that I hate even more... every single day of my life. That's just the kind of good person I am. You suck, Ashley!"
And on that note...