I'll Miss You Forever

This will likely be the most difficult post I'll ever try to write.

As I sit here... with tears streaming down my face... I'm not sure if I can do it.
I don't have the words I need.
I don't have the strength I need.

Because...
Right now...
At this moment...
I'm more broken than I've ever been.

Regardless...
I'm going to try anyway...

With a shattered heart... I share the following news:
I had to send another rescue dog to Heaven.

That's right.
I lost two of my children... in one week.
I don't have words...
I'm beyond devastated...

However, despite my pain, each of my dogs deserves to be honored with a special "In Loving Memory" post, written just for them.

Especially... this particular dog... 
She's been my baby... for one full year now.

Heidi & I

So... here goes...

This one's for you, Heidi...

On April 27, 2011, Heidi survived the devastating F5 tornado that ripped through the city of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. She managed to survive that storm... alone... outside... on a chain.

Heidi had lived on that short chain... all 10 years of her life.
She was never able to walk.
She was never able to run.
She was never able to play.

For 10 long years of her life... Heidi never lived.

In addition, she'd been forced to endure many other forms of unimaginable torture. When she was younger, her owners made the cruel decision to "crop" Heidi's ears themselves... with scissors or a knife. She'd also been neglected, abused, under-fed, and over-bred... all 10 years of her life. 

Honestly... Heidi lived one of the saddest existences I could ever imagine.

Following the storm, Heidi was rescued from one of the hardest-hit areas.
Her home was completely destroyed...
Everything was gone...
Everything... but Heidi.

Shortly thereafter, Heidi came to live with me.
For the last year... this has been her home,
and I have been her mom.

For one full year...
I was lucky enough to spend all day, every day... with my Heidi.
It was one of the greatest joys of my life... because Heidi was one of the greatest loves of my life.

When I made the decision to save Heidi last year, I knew that her chances of adoption were slim. A 10-year old, formerly-chained, severely over-bred, Pit Bull, with no ears...
She barely stood a chance...

However... after 10 years of unimaginable torture... Heidi deserved to know love. 
And... it just so happens... I've got a ton of love to give... and so did Heidi.
We were a perfect match.

For me, it didn't really matter whether or not Heidi would ever be "officially" adopted...
Because... last year, at the moment I saved her... I'd "unofficially" adopted Heidi myself.

That day, I looked into her eyes, and made the following promise: "You're home now, baby girl. And from now on --no matter what else happens-- you and me... are family. If it comes down to it, you can live out the rest of your days here with me... and I'll love you every second. I promise."

Heidi took me up on my offer. She spent the last year of her life... and the best days of her life... here with me. It was the best year ever.

Heidi brought more joy into my life than I could ever put into words. She had the kind of smile that could light up my whole world. She had this beautiful energy that could push me forward. She gave the kind of love that could set my heart on fire.

Every day of the past year, Heidi has shared that love with me. And every day of the past year... she finally got to hear, "I love you, back."

However... from a health standpoint, Heidi had plenty of issues.
So, this past year, I made sure that Heidi received every bit of vet care she needed, every time she needed it. 

Yet... that was just 1 year...
Out of the 11 years she'd been alive.
For the first 10, she got nothing she needed, every time she needed it.

And eventually, those 10 years of neglect... finally caught up with her.

Honestly...
Right now... 
My heart is just too broken to list all of the ailments that would bring me to the painstaking decision... to end Heidi's suffering.
And really... at this point... those specifics don't really matter.

In short, Heidi was old; she was sick, and she was tired.
She needed me to help her go...
And that's honestly all that matters.

Basically... this week, I realized what Heidi needed from me.
Even still, it was almost too much to bear.
I was still grieving for my Delilah, and now... I was going to lose my Heidi, too.

Delilah was here for a month...
And yet... the pain of her loss was almost enough to break me.
Heidi was here for a year... so...
I couldn't even imagine...

Sure... I could've waited... and said: Sorry Heidi. I know you're suffering, but I just can't handle this right now.
But honestly... no matter how much pain I was in... I could never do that to Heidi.

After she'd shared the best year of her life with me...
I owed her that much... and she deserved that much.

So... I called the vet, and made yet-another appointment. I sobbed uncontrollably... as I told them it was for Heidi. Of course, they already knew the reason behind it. They knew that it was time.

Heidi's last day, at the lake

Then, I asked Caycee to help me make Heidi's last day on Earth... everything she deserved for it to be...

We took Heidi down to the lake... to let her play as much as her little heart could stand. When we got there, Heidi's excitement was contagious. And even with my shattered heart... I felt an insane-amount of joy. 

As Heidi stepped into the water, she looked back at me... with this massive smile on her face. Then--without another thought-- I jumped right in with her... fully-clothed in my t-shirt and shorts. Heidi thought that was pretty funny of me.

That day...
We walked. We swam. We splashed.
We played. We smiled. We laughed.
We talked. We hugged. We loved.
That day... we truly lived.

In those moments there with Heidi... I almost... almost... allowed myself to forget ...
That it was the last day we'd ever spend together.

For the rest of my life... I'll cherish every second of that day with her... along with every minute of this year with her. Loving Heidi... was the honor of my lifetime.

Soon... when Heidi got tired of playing, we headed back to Lucky Dog.

Suddenly... reality set in. Our day of fun was over... which meant... Heidi's life was almost over, too. I just couldn't believe it... the pain was simply unbearable...

Then, Caycee offered to dig a grave for Heidi in the Lucky Dog pet cemetery.
I said, "Wait, I'll come help you." ... but she refused:
"No, Ash. Please let me do this for you."

So, as Caycee left for grave digging, I walked inside, sat on the floor, and sobbed... as quietly as I could.
I didn't want Heidi to hear me.

When Caycee had been digging for at least an hour... the thunderstorm hit.
Suddenly, it was pouring... harder than it's ever poured before.

I ran outside, looked out in the distance, and saw Caycee... drenched from head-to-toe... and still digging.
I called out to her: "Caycee! Please stop digging and come inside!"
She yelled back: "No! I'm okay!"

I stood there for a second... 
In amazement...
And in agony...
As the image of my best friend...
Out there digging my baby's grave...
In the pouring rain... 
Slowly burned into my memory...
Forever.

Caycee is such an incredible friend to me. She only refused to let me help her... because she didn't want me to dig the very-grave... where I'd soon bury my own child. She wanted to take that pain from me, and she'd wanted to do something special for Heidi.

Regardless... I wasn't leaving her out there alone, any longer.

So... I ran out into the storm... to go help my friend.

That's when I saw her... head hung low... walking back... through the rain. 
She was completely soaked... so it took me a minute to realize... that Caycee was sobbing.

She said: "Heidi's grave is filling-up with water! I tried to get it out, but it just keeps coming in! I don't want to put her in there like that! I don't want to do that to Heidi!"
The tears welled-up in my eyes, as I said: "I'm so sorry. We'll fix it. I promise."

Then... we stood there... hugging and sobbing... in the pouring rain.

When the time came, we loaded Heidi into the car, and headed to the vet.
With the rain beating down on my windshield... and the tears filling my eyes... I almost couldn't see the road.
Caycee said: "Okay, pull over. I'm driving."
I wiped my eyes, and said: "No. I need to do this. Plus, we're almost there."

When we pulled up at the clinic, I laid my head on the steering wheel, and sobbed.

I looked over at Caycee, with tears running down my cheeks, and said:

"I don't think I can do this..."

She tearfully said: "I'll be there with you."

I cried: "But... this is Heidi! How can I say goodbye to Heidi?? It's just... I love her so much."

She replied: "Heidi knows that, and she loves you so much, too."

That's when I realized...
I had to do this...
I had to say goodbye...
because it was the right thing to do...
For Heidi. 

So, I wiped my tears, opened the door, and stepped out into the rain.
Then... Caycee and I took Heidi inside... for the last time.

As I headed toward the exam room, the vet tech was waiting with a box of tissues, and quietly said: "I'm so sorry, Ash."
I mustered the words: "Thank you."

In the room, Caycee and I waited for Doc to come in.
Meanwhile, I sat on the floor with Heidi, and she gently laid her head on my shoulder.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I choked out the words:
"It was a good year, baby girl...
And you were a damn-good dog."

When Doc walked in... he already knew:
It was time.
As we lifted Heidi onto the table, I said:
"I'm right here, Heidi-Boo. It's okay."
Those words seemed to make it better...
For her, at least.

Then...
For the second time this week...
Doc picked up the syringe...looked at me... and asked:
"Are you ready?"

So... I leaned down, and gave my Heidi one last hug... one last kiss... and whispered one last "I love you."

Then, I looked at Doc...
And simply nodded.

In those final moments...
I looked down at Heidi... she looked up at me...
And our love for each other... was so damn real...
It was almost tangible.

My last day with Heidi

Then...
I watched her eyes glaze over...
And felt her heart stop beating...
As she took her final breath.

Just like that... I knew:
Heidi is in Heaven now.

That's when Doc stepped outside of the room, to give us a minute alone with her.
I laid my head on her chest... and sobbed uncontrollably...
As I realized that this was the very last time...
I'd ever see my Heidi. 
Heidi was gone forever.

Shortly thereafter, Doc carried Heidi to my car. 
Her body was wrapped in bags... and baby blankets.

And once again... I lost it.
I couldn't talk; I couldn't see; I couldn't breathe.
I felt broken. I felt empty. I felt... dead.

At this point, it was still pouring outside.
So, Caycee drove us home, while I curled up in the passenger seat, and bawled like a baby.

Then, Caycee broke the silence, simply saying: "I have so much respect for you today. You are so strong, Ash."
In a tiny voice... that didn't sound quite like my own... I replied: "I don't feel so strong, Caycee..."
She said: "I know you don't, but you are."

When we pulled up at Lucky Dog, Caycee parked near the cemetery, and said:
"Wait here. I'll be right back."

I knew what she was doing. She was checking Heidi's grave for standing-water, and she didn't want me to see. But luckily, it had all been absorbed by the earth.

And yet...
Unluckily...

That meant...
It was time.

I stepped out into the rain... 
And walked the heartbreaking path...
Toward Heidi's grave.

A few minutes later... we laid Heidi in the ground.

Seeing her down there... I could barely contain myself.
I was bawling... I was shaking... I was weak.
I wanted to crawl in with her...

Then... Caycee picked up the shovel... looked at me, and said: "I'll go slow, okay?"
I nodded: "Okay. Thank you."

As she gently placed the first pile of dirt on top of Heidi's body...
Once again... I lost it. I wanted to scream: "No!!! Please! Stop! That's my baby in there!!!"

In that moment...
The rain was pouring down...
My tears were streaming down...
My Heidi was in the ground...
And my world was crumbling around me.

It's a moment that I'll always remember... no matter how much I'd like to forget it. 
It's the moment when I realized...
That my Heidi was gone forever.
She's never coming back.

And then...
When Caycee was finally done...

There was a mound of dirt...
Where my Heidi used to be.

Afterward... for a while... Caycee and I just stood there... in the rain... in silence.
I didn't have the words...
She didn't have the words...
There were no words left to say...

At some point, I looked at Caycee, and said: "I couldn't have gotten through today without you."
She replied: "I know... and I wouldn't have let you."

Then...
For the second time that day...
Caycee and I stood outside...
Hugging and sobbing...
In the pouring rain...

Honestly... at that point... it's all we knew how to do.

Afterward... we turned... together... and walked back... through the rain...
Leaving my Heidi behind...

Later that night...
I walked back to my little pet cemetery...
Alone. 
It was dark... and quiet... and peaceful.

I sat on the ground, in silence.
I looked at the stars.
I picked at the grass.
I stared at Heidi's grave.

I guess I just wanted to feel close to her.

As the tears ran down my face...
I didn't try to wipe them.
I just let them fall.

In that moment...
As I sat there next my precious baby...
I really wanted to say something...
Something meaningful...
Something respectful...
Something special.

I guess I just wanted to talk to Heidi...
As I'd done every single day...
For the past year...

And for once...
Just this one time...
I kinda wanted her... to talk back to me.

Even still...
I couldn't find the words...
And she couldn't say the words.

Because I was empty...
And she was gone.

Then... it hit me...
And suddenly... I understood...
The weight of tomorrow's reality...

Tomorrow...
For the first time in a year...
I'll go to work...
And Heidi won't be there.

I'll pass by her kennel...
Kennel #25...
All day long... 
But she'll never be there to greet me.

And from now on...
Each time I want to sit next to her...
I'll have no choice, but to visit...
This heartbreaking mound of dirt...

In that moment...
As I searched for the words to say goodbye...
I had nothing.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye...
Or even to admit...
that my Heidi was really gone.


And yet...
I felt the need...
To say something.

So...
I simply said:
"I'll miss you forever."

With that...
I stood up...
Blew a kiss to the sky...
And walked away.

Knowing in my heart...
That nothing here at Lucky Dog...
Will ever be the same...

*If you'd like to donate in memory of my Heidi, please click below:

CLICK TO DONATE TO LUCKY DOG RESCUE

Goodbye, Delilah

*A follow-up to my previous post: Hey There, Delilah: http://luckydogrescueblog.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-there-delilah.html

Today --Wednesday, May 9, 2012-- my Delilah went to Heaven.
She left the world in peace.
She left the world with love.

However... Monday was actually meant to be her last day on Earth.
I'd made a promise to her that it would be.
It was a decision I'd made... for her.

Yet... when Monday morning came, Delilah was doing a little bit better.
Not a lot better... but a little better.
And I'll be honest... it was just enough to give me a glimmer of false hope.

That morning, I took her to the vet for her follow-up appointment.
I told my vet what I was prepared to do for Delilah that day...
But first... I asked for his honest opinion.

Doc looked at her...
Then at me...
And said: "She's still got a little fight left in her, and I know how you are, Ashley. You want to give her every possible chance to make it, and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't. So, let's just give her a couple more days, and see how she does. If nothing else... she'll have a little more time with you."

Hearing those words, I have to be honest with you...
I felt a sense of selfish relief.
I'd always wanted to save her... I'd never wanted to end her life...

So... even though I knew better... I chose to see what I wanted to see in her.
Instead of the sick little girl that laid before me...
I saw a tiny fighter... who deserved the chance to fight.

Delilah & I

I didn't want to take that chance away from her.
I didn't want to give-up too soon.
I didn't want to believe that she couldn't pull through this.

But really...
If I'm being honest...
I just didn't want to let her go.

So... I rejected my gut instincts...
I abandoned my promises...
And I allowed myself to feel a sense of hope... that never really existed.



And so...  that day...
I took my Delilah home...
One more time...

Sure... for a little while... Delilah seemed a little stronger.
She seemed a little healthier.
She seemed a little happier.

Of course... that was never her reality.
She wasn't strong, or healthy, or happy.
And honestly... she wasn't even fighting for her...

She was fighting... for me.

She was smiling... for me.
She was stronger... for me.
She was living... for me.

Initially, I was blinded by hope...
Her "strength" gave me strength.
Her "fight" ignited my own fight.

But... in reality, my Delilah had all-but given up.
She didn't want to hurt anymore.
She didn't want to fight any longer.

And yet... she couldn't let go...
Not because she wasn't ready...
But because I wasn't ready. 

The truth is: She needed me, and I failed her.
I made a promise to her... and I broke it.
Not because I didn't love her... but simply because... I did.

Regardless, it was selfish of me.
It was wrong of me.
It was the wrong decision... for her.

And yesterday... I had to face reality...
Because any "fight" I'd seen in Delilah the day before...
Was gone.

Suddenly, I couldn't deny the truth: Delilah was never doing better...
She was never going to make it.
She had never rejoined the fight.

I'd only seen what I wanted to see.
I'd clung to a hope that just didn't exist.
I'd attempted to fight... because I'd wished to save us both.

And yet... I saved neither.
Delilah is gone...
And she took my heart with her.

But even still... before she left this earth...
Delilah's one wish in life... finally came true:
She was loved.

At the very least... I did something right...

Last night... on her last night here, 
I lifted Delilah into my bed...
And pulled her close to me under the covers...

Then...
Just before she fell asleep...
I whispered into her ear:

"Hey there, Delilah
I'm right here if you get lonely...
Close your eyes...
I'm by your side."

Then, this morning, I drove Delilah to the vet.
When Doc walked into the room...
He looked sick... when he saw my tear-stained face.

I nodded. He nodded.
It was our signal:
It's time.

I wiped my tears... and laid Delilah on the table.
Then, Doc looked at me, and asked: "Are you ready?"
 I replied: "Almost."

I leaned down... one last time...
And whispered into Delilah's ear:
"Remember: when you get there, ask for Rudy. He knows me."

Then, I said: "Okay. I'm ready."
I looked down at Delilah... she looked up at me...
I smiled... she smiled...

And just like that...
She was gone...

Today... for the very last time...
I took my Delilah home...
Forever.

When I pulled back up at Lucky Dog... 
I saw Caycee digging Delilah's grave...
And my heart could barely take it.

As I got out of the car... I was sobbing uncontrollably.
That's when Caycee walked over...
And gave me the biggest hug... that 2 best friends have ever shared.

Then... we laid Delilah to rest.

Today... I honored my promise to her.
Today... her suffering ended.
Today... my Delilah went to Heaven.

Today... Delilah's pain is over.
And yet... it seems for me...
That the pain has just begun...

But even still...
In my heart... I know the truth:
Every bit of pain was worth it... for each moment here with you...

"Hey there, Delilah... You know it's all because of you... This one's for you..."

*If you'd like to donate in memory of my Delilah, please click below:

CLICK TO DONATE TO LUCKY DOG RESCUE

Hey There, Delilah

About a month ago, I was working outside at Lucky Dog, when the Mississippi heat got the best of me.

All of a sudden... I went from fine and dandy... to lightheaded and weak.
I needed a break.
I needed to sit.
And I needed something to drink... stat.

Of course, as luck would have it, there was nothing drinkable in my fridge.
So, I decided to drive over to the Chevron for a Gatorade.

I pulled up at the store, walked inside, and grabbed the biggest Gatorade they had. Before I even made the purchase, I cracked that baby open, and chugged at least half the bottle.

As I walked toward the register, I saw that my favorite gas station buddy was working behind the counter.

Every time he's there, I stop for a minute, just to talk to him. He's a really sweet man, with a super-cool accent, and he calls me "Miss Ashley."

He said: "Working hard again today, Miss Ashley?"
I said: "Damn. What gave me away? The sweat? Or the dirt?"
We both laughed.

Then, we had our usual chat, and I turned to leave.

Delilah, as a Lucky Dog

But as I walked out the door... I stopped dead in my tracks.
There was a Pit Bull... just standing there... right next to my car.
I thought: "You gotta be kiddin' me."

The dog was in awful condition. She looked broken and pitiful... underweight and malnourished... with scars covering her body. She was also wearing this massive, terrible collar around her neck, with these huge metal clasps... that had clearly been used to chain her.

As I slowly moved toward her, she didn't try to run away. She didn't even move. She just stood there, looking up at me.
I bent down, offered my hand, and asked:
"Who did this to you, baby?"

That's when I looked over, and saw my gas station buddy, watching us through the window. He was smiling... because he already knew what was about to happen. This wasn't my first "rescue rodeo" at the Chevron.

So, I re-opened the door, and asked: "Know anything about her?"
He shook his head: "It's the first time I've seen her. She just showed up, right as you walked in."
I replied: "Of course she did."

He chuckled and said: "You taking her with you, Miss Ashley?"
I smiled: "You know me too well..."

Without another thought... I turned, picked her up, and loaded her in the car.
Then, I waved goodbye to my buddy... as we drove away.

I named her Delilah.

From the moment I saw her, I knew that Delilah was sick.
But it wouldn't be long... before I'd find out just how sick she really was...

Shortly thereafter, Delilah went to the vet for her spay, rabies, and heartworm test. Of course, as I already anticipated: she's heartworm positive.

Sadly, heartworm disease is alive and well around here. This is Mississippi. Nearly every neglected dog in Mississippi has heartworms. That's just the sad reality for many rescue dogs in the South.

So... as the story goes with most heartworm treatments, I started Delilah on doxycycline, and scheduled an appointment to bring her back to the vet in 30 days, to start official treatment.

In the meantime, Delilah was doing great here. Sure... she was a sick girl, but you'd never would've known it. She was loving her new life... always smiling and happy... outgoing and fun.

Her favorite activity? Making a massive, ridiculous, unnecessary (yet, funny) mess in her kennel. It was kinda "her thing." She liked to spill food, tip bowls, potty and then step in it... all with this big, mischievous smile on her face.

While her kennel etiquette had slowly improved, she still enjoyed a good mess every now and then. She seemed to really have fun with it, which made all the extra-cleaning on my part... totally worth the effort.

But this past Friday... all of that changed.

That morning, it took just one glance at Delilah's kennel... for me to realize that something was very, very wrong that day.
There was a massive mess, of course... but not the usual kind...

Instead, I saw vomit... and large puddles of blood, which came from her urine.
Then, I saw my sweet Delilah... far-removed from her usual smiling, happy self.
She was weak. She was hurting. She was very, very sick.

Immediately, I called the vet, loaded Delilah in the car, and headed toward the clinic. When I got there, I explained the situation, and they asked me to leave her for a bit, while they ran some lab work, etc.

An hour later, I got a call from the vet tech.
She said: "Hey Ash. Hold on for a second. Doc needs to talk to you."

Hearing those words... my heart stopped.
I get lots of calls from the vet...
But the words: "Doc needs to talk to you" almost always mean: "It's bad."

I said: "Oh my God, Amy! Is she okay???"
She replied: "I'll let him tell you about it. Here's Doc."

Then, I heard the devastating news... the news that would change Delilah's future:
Delilah has entered the most severe, life-threatening stage of heartworm disease. She's in critical condition, due to multiple complications from advanced heartworm disease, disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), and organ malfunction. Basically... her body is shutting down, and much of the damage... is irreversible.

He said: "We're doing everything we can, but I just want you to be prepared. There's a chance she may not make it. And even if she does... she doesn't have much time left."

Suddenly, tears were streaming down my face. I could honestly feel my heart... breaking within my chest.

I knew what he was saying. I've heard this many times before. He was basically saying: Prepare yourself. Your baby is dying.

And in that moment, I wanted to scream: "Nooooo!!!!!"

Instead, I choked out the words: "Can she at least come home... for the weekend?"
He said: "We've given her 2 injections today, and we're keeping her as comfortable as we can. I'll be sending her home with several medications for the weekend, and we'll just plan to reevaluate on Monday. Then, you'll probably have a decision to make..."

As I hung up the phone, I buried my face in my hands, and sobbed uncontrollably.

I cried for Delilah... for the sad life she'd been forced to live... for the torture she'd endured... and for the promising future... she'd likely never have.

I cried for the promises I'd made to her... for the life I'd wished to give her... and for the heartbreaking realization that those dreams may never come true for her.

I cried... because I knew the harsh reality within all of this:
Delilah has suffered through every day of her existence. Before me, she'd only known unimaginable abuse, neglect, and life on a chain.

But even now... and from now on...
There will never be another day... when Delilah doesn't suffer.
She will never be a healthy dog.
She will never have a heart that allows her to run and play.
She will never know a life without pain.

I cried... because "the decision" I'd have to make for her... was a life-or-death decision.

I cried... because no matter what decision I made... one way or another: Delilah will die from this.

I cried... because her heart has been wounded --in every possible way-- and now, a broken heart... has become her death sentence.

As I drove back to the vet, I was inconsolable. When I got there, I didn't want to walk inside. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to face reality.

But... my baby was in there... and she needed me.
So, I wiped my tears, and walked inside... to take my little girl home.

The vet tech looked at me and said: "I'm so sorry, Ash. But please remember... no matter what happens... she needed you, and you saved her. That's all that matters."

I didn't want to cry again, but tears quickly filled my eyes. I said: "Thank you. But we both know... she deserved more."

Then, I paid the $400 vet bill I wasn't quite prepared for, helped Delilah into the car, and drove her home.

Delilah on the couch

This weekend, Delilah has required around-the-clock care from me. She's very weak, very sick, and very needy right now. Seeing her like this... well... it's beyond heartwrenching.

Initially... upon return, she wouldn't eat at all. But soon, I learned that "people food" was enough to entice her.

So... instead of dog food, she's been sharing people food with me. Actually... it's more accurate to say that I've simply been giving her all of my own food, and taking none for myself, which has honestly made me insanely happy. She needs it... much more than I do right now.

She's enjoyed our bedtime snuggles and her own naptime on the couch, but she's just not able to do much else. She's too weak to go for walks. She's too weak to play outside. Many times, she's too weak to even lift her head.

And honestly... today... it hit me, like a ton of bricks: Delilah is just too weak to go on.
When I look into her eyes, I can see... that my Delilah has given up.

In my heart... I know that she's ready for me to make the decision.
The decision that I'll never be "ready" to make...
The decision that will take her from me... forever.

But it's a decision that I'm willing to make... for her.
She needs me to make that decision... for her.
It's the right decision... for her...

Each time I rescue a dog, I intend to save their life... no matter what.
But there are certain times when saving a dog... means letting them go.
Times when it's all they need from you... and no matter how much it hurts... you owe them that much.

So today, I looked at Delilah, in her broken state, and simply said:
"Okay, baby girl. I'll do whatever you need me to do...
Even if that means breaking my own heart... so that yours doesn't have to hurt anymore.
Tonight, you get whatever you want.
Tomorrow... the pain is over. I promise."

As I said those words... the tears filled my eyes, and the pain overtook my soul...
And before I knew it, I was sobbing again...

But then... I stopped myself...

Tomorrow... I can cry all I want.
Today... is about Delilah.

And I'll be damned if I'll spend her last full day on Earth... crying because I couldn't save her.

Because in my heart... I can feel her saying: "You did."

Tomorrow's pain could never compare to the joy of today.
Because today... I still have... my Delilah...
If nothing more... than to share one last song...

Hey there, Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there, Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would

Hey there, Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because
We know that none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never, ever be the same

Hey there, Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me...
You know it's all because of you.
We can do whatever we want to.
Hey there, Delilah
Here's to you
This one's for you.

Delilah, Thank you for spending your last days with me. It's been truly amazing. If it were up to me, I'd never let you go. But since it's what you need from me... I will. Please give my love to all my babies in Heaven. Tell them I sent you.
Love,
-Mom

*Update: If you'd like to donate in memory of Delilah, please click below:

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Animal Rescue Truths

***Written by Ashley Owen Hill, Lucky Dog Rescue Blog***

For animal lovers like me, animal rescue is the most incredible, rewarding job... in the history of ever.

At the same time... it's also the most heartbreaking...

My rescue baby, Noah

The truth is...
You see a lot of things... you never thought you'd see.
You witness a level of cruelty... you didn't think was possible.
You feel a degree of helplessness... you never thought you'd know.

You stare at painful images... soon burned into your memory... that will haunt your thoughts forever.
You try to pick up the pieces... so many pieces... of the damage you didn't do.
You do everything in your power... but even still... you'll never reach them all.

You'll try to stay strong... but you'll mostly feel weak.
You'll build walls to protect your heart... but they'll never keep you safe.
You'll place barriers around your soul... but the pain will always reach you.

And no matter how hard you try to fight it... over time... here's the truth about what happens in animal rescue...

My rescue baby, Chance

The neglect changes you.
The abuse hardens you.
The suffering breaks you.

The ignorance angers you.
The indifference disturbs you.  
The injustice destroys you.

On a daily basis... your faith will be tested.
Your heart will be wounded.
Your soul will be altered.

On a weekly basis... you'll question yourself.
You'll question your strength.
You'll question the world.

My Rudy

On a monthly basis... you'll fall down.
You'll get up.
You'll go on...

On a yearly basis... you'll look back...
You'll see faces... 
You couldn't save them.

You'll learn to mourn.
To grieve.
To sob.

You'll learn to trust a little less.
To do a little more.
To fight a little harder.

My rescue baby, Wonder

You'll learn to try.
To hope.
To pray.

You'll learn to fail.
To succeed.
To accept.

You'll learn when to hold on.
When to give up.
When to let go.

Wonder & I

You'll learn who you are.
What you stand for.
Why that matters.

Then... at times... you'll forget why you matter.
You'll question what you're doing.
You'll wonder if it's worth it.

But... here's the good news...

When you forget...
When you question...
When you wonder...

All you have to do...
Is take a look around...
And you'll see them.

Chance today

You'll see their faces.
You'll see their smiles.
You'll feel their love.

In their eyes, you'll see their journeys...
You'll remember their beginnings...
You'll know how far they've come...

You'll remember when they didn't know you...
When they didn't trust you...
When they'd given up.

You'll remember how you healed them...
How you loved them...
How they loved you, too.

And as you look back...
You'll want to move forward...
For them... and because of them.

Rudy & I

In your darkest hours, you'll look around...
To find the differences made... the hope given... and the lives saved...
Because you existed.

In those moments, when you look into their eyes... every doubt will be erased.
Every question will be answered.
Every worry will subside.

Because in that instant... in each of your hearts...
You both share the very same thought:
"Every bit of pain was worth it... for this moment here with you."

Noah today

And honestly... no matter what else happens...
Those moments hold all the strength you need...
To keep going.

Rescue is pain.
Rescue is joy.
Rescue is worth it... because they are worth it.

And that's the honest truth.

***Written by Ashley Owen Hill, Lucky Dog Rescue Blog***

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BullShit Legislation

*Even if you don't have a Pit Bull, this post applies to you, and here's why...

It's preeetty safe to say that I have a ridiculously-strong love for Pit Bulls. If you haven't quite figured that out about me yet... well, it's okay. Maybe smarts just aren't your thing ;)

In fact, I've written more posts about "the Pit Bull" than any other dog or animal rescue topic.
I've shared the reasons why I love them.
I've examined the reasons why they're hated.
I've discussed why they deserve to live.
I've explained why they're forced to die.

I've shared the truth about Pit Bulls. I've presented the facts. I've disputed the stereotypes. I've challenged the bullshit.

I've shared from my own Pit Bull experiences. Not from what I've read about. Not from what I've seen on TV. Not from what I've been told.

I've been open and honest... candid and realistic.  I've been a lover. I've been a fighter. I've been a friggin-force to be reckoned with.

In turn, I've planted seeds. I've witnessed change. I've made an impact. Slowly but surely, I've opened some minds, changed some perceptions, and righted some wrongs.

In those moments, no matter how small the change... or how tiny the impact... I've been proud of me. Proud of what I was able to do for these dogs. Proud of the hope I was able to bring them. Proud of the lives that may be saved, because I stood up for them, I fought for them, and then... someone heard me, believed me, and did something about it.

However... it doesn't always go that way when I write about Pit Bulls. The response isn't always positive. Readers aren't always open. My words aren't always welcomed, or valued, or even heard. 

Instead, I'm often challenged, ridiculed, and bullied by "the other side" ... the Pit-Bull-hater side. This is the side that boasts sheer ignorance, lacking credibility and compassion, and rallying for injustice. It's the side that works against everything I fight for... the side that hopes to ensure the death of every last living, breathing Pit Bull.

People from this "other side" often write to me... just to provide me with a long list of reasons why each of my Pit Bulls deserves to die. And sadly, many people agree with them.

Keep in mind... these are my children they're talking about. 

Further, these people are extremely arrogant and combative... arguing to be "right" about a subject that they honestly know little-to-nothing about. They'll deny all logic. They'll skew the statistics. They'll swear-by "first-hand accounts" ... random testimonials they've heard from a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend's cousin, who supposedly was there when it happened... or maybe just saw it on the news.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what they know or don't know. It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. It doesn't matter what this-or-that dog did or didn't do.

Because no matter what, they'll stand firm in their misinformation, with an intense, unwavering, and undeserved hatred for these dogs. Dogs that they've never even met... but wish to see killed.

Sure... these people sound pretty damn ignorant, ridiculous, and evil, don't they? So then... why would I even bother to acknowledge them with this post? Surely no rational person would ever take them seriously, or even consider complying with their cruel, unfounded, kill-those-dogs death wishes, right?

Oh man. I wish.

Maybe you're wondering exactly who is on this "other side" anyway, and why they even matter??

Well... I'll tell you. They are your friends, your neighbors, your landlords, your insurance companies, and your lawmakers. That's who's on the other side.

Does this group of people deserve my time or energy? Well... no.
But Pit Bulls do.

And sadly, it's nearly impossible to fight for these dogs, and work toward the justice they so desperately need and deserve, without taking-on those people from that "other side." Or should I say... taking-down that other side.

Here's why:

For every person who distrusts the Pit Bull breed(s)... a Pit Bull dies.
For every neighbor who complains about their presence, a Pit Bull dies.
For every landlord who forbids their residence, a Pit Bull dies.
For every insurance company who denies their coverage, a Pit Bull dies.
For every lawmaker who bans their very-existence... thousands upon thousands of Pit Bulls die.

The "other side" is responsible for the deaths of millions of Pit Bulls each year. Abuse, neglect, and unimaginable torture are to blame for the deaths of thousands more.

And so... the innocent die. The guilty thrive. Justice takes the fall. Ignorance kills them all.

Yet... few people care to acknowledge this issue. Even fewer fight to change it. And even fewer actually do something about it, by saving at least one... before it's too late. By adopting just one, so another has a chance. By loving just one, so they don't have to die without it.

Maybe you aren't a massive Pit-Bull-advocate-freak like me, but surely you have a good heart, and a solid understanding of the difference between right and wrong. Surely you can see that millions of innocent dogs don't deserve to die for no reason. Surely you can understand that your silence allows it to continue.

Maybe you don't have a Pit Bull. Maybe your friends don't either, and maybe you've never even met one. Even still, this issue should matter to you, and here's why:

Consider your dog... whatever his or her breed may be. Consider how much you love your baby, and how much your baby loves you. Consider the innocence of this special, loyal creature in your life, who wants nothing more than to please you... who lives and breathes just for you. Consider just how much you treasure his or her devotion, and just how deserving your baby is of life.

Now... consider if someone else --who has never even met your dog-- tried to threaten your dog's life... because in their opinion, your baby doesn't deserve to live. Consider that this person's opinion was formed... based solely on the actions of another dog of a similar breed.

Consider that the other dog had been severely starved, neglected, and beaten all of his life --and yet-- the dog was punished for those crimes, and was forced to pay the price for what was done to him.

Then, consider that YOUR dog must also pay the price... he'll lose his life. Consider that your dog has been sentenced to death --along with every other dog who bears his resemblance-- based on nothing more than the actions of another dog, who kinda-sorta looked like him. (I'm not kidding. This really happens.)

Consider the feelings you would have... the outrage, the fear, the pain. Consider how you would stand up and scream: "No!!! Please! You can't do this! It's wrong! Somebody please stop them! Help us!" Consider that no one hears you, no one agrees with you, and no one even cares. Consider what it would do to your heart, and your faith in humanity, if this were your reality.

Consider the pain in your baby's eyes, and the fear in his heart, as he is ripped away from the only family he knows and loves. Consider the confusion, the heartbreak, and the terror he will feel... at the moment he is killed.

Now... picture your baby, laying lifeless in a landfill, beneath thousands upon thousands of other babies, who look just like him... and died just like him. 

That's what BSL looks like.

Seriously... ask yourself: what would you do... if this issue affected YOUR dog, in the very-real way that it threatens each of mine? Wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you fight for your baby's right to live?

Then, to take it one step further, imagine how you would feel if your friends, neighbors, and co-workers sat back and did nothing to help you? What if you were the only one fighting? What if no one else even cared??

I want you to really allow yourself to feel those feelings... to imagine that level of anger and sadness... to acknowledge the utter helplessness of injustice. Does it feel right to you? Is it okay with you? Can you even believe it's allowed to happen??

Honestly, it's insane that this is allowed to happen, but it's definitely allowed... and it's definitely happening. It defies all logic. It's completely ridiculous. But mostly, it's tragic.

Here's the basic premise of Breed-Specific Legislation (BSL): When a dog of a certain breed harms or bites a human, let's just go ahead and ban every dog of that breed from existence... just in case.

It just doesn't make any sense...

Regardless of whether-or-not you love, hate, or feel completely indifferent to the Pit Bull breeds... surely you feel a special bond with your own dog. Surely you realize that your baby is distinctly unique in personality, behavior, and spirit. Surely you see the innocence, love, and desire that shine through your baby's eyes. Surely you look at him or her... and see a creature who is so incredibly deserving of life.

Well, that's how I see my Pit Bulls, too. Even if you don't believe in their love and innocence... it's there. It's in their eyes. It's in their smiles. It's in their hearts. It's in their souls. My dogs deserve to live, too. They just do...

In reading this... maybe you appreciate the love I have for these dogs, and maybe you feel sympathy for their pain. Maybe you don't want them to die, and maybe you wish that things could be different for them. Even still... maybe you're thinking that there's just no real reason for you to join the fight for them.

Because maybe you figure... "At least my dog is safe."

And maybe you're right...

But... maybe you're wrong...

Here's the honest truth: all it takes is one bite, from one dog, of one breed, for people to propose a legislative ban against that breed (Breed-Specific Legislation, BSL).

Across the country, 75 different breeds --and mixes of those breeds-- are currently on the list of banned or restricted dogs. It's NOT just Pit Bulls. In some areas, Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers, and German Shepherds are deemed "dangerous," and are therefore banned. If you think small dogs are excluded, well, they aren't. Even breeds like Pugs and French Bulldogs are on the list.

And believe it or not... this isn't the useless work of some random Joe Blow, who simply thought it would be cute to list all of the breeds he doesn't like that much. 

Nope. This is legislation, people. It's the law. And each year, more and more breeds (and mixes of those breeds) are being added to this list... in more and more areas across the nation. It's complete BULLSHIT.

And we're all just letting it happen...

By the time your dog's breed joins the list... it may be too late. You've got to care now. You've got to speak now. You've got to act now. Write letters. Make phone calls. Rally others to do the same. Just do something.

BSL is real, it's happening, and it's personal. It's life or death.

And it won't end... until we end it. Please join us in the fight for their lives. Not because I asked you to, but because it's the right thing to do.
*If you'd like to help Pit Bulls, please click below:

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