Another Anniversary

Rudy & I

It's amazing how "anniversaries" can hold so much meaning in our minds and hearts.

In truth, an "anniversary" is nothing more than a date... an annual reminder of the specific day that a certain event occurred, in some previous year.

Therefore, the anniversary date itself... holds no power.
Really, it's just another day of the year.

And yet, we give certain dates so much power over us... (for obvious reasons.)

That's because... on that day... however long ago... something happened... and our lives changed forever.

Sometimes... for better.
Sometimes... for worse.

"Happy" anniversaries provide us with the chance to celebrate, to come together, to reminisce.These are the dates that give us something to look forward to, something to smile about, something to be proud of.

Those "good" anniversaries... have their way of making everything else... seem worthwhile.

But then... there are the "other" anniversaries. The tragic anniversaries.
The anniversaries that simply exist... as painful reminders... of the days we'd like to forget.

Often, in our minds, the devastating anniversaries seem to hold even more power than the positive ones.

Because those particular dates have their way...
of bringing the pain of our past...
into our present.

The anniversary of a tragic life event can take us right back to that day... to the very moment it happened.

And no matter how much time has passed...
No matter how hard we've tried to let go...
No matter how much we've worked to move forward...

Each year, on that anniversary date, we're right back there... re-living the worst day of our lives.

Meanwhile...
We don't want to go back to the pain.
We don't want to remember the loss.
We don't want to accept our reality.

Regardless... that anniversary date says: You have to. It's real. It's time.

Even still... anniversaries are only able to do these things to us, because we allow them to do so...
We give that specific date... so much power over us.
And yet, we just can't help ourselves.

Because...
We still wish it wasn't true.
We still hope we'll just wake up.
We still... miss them.

That's why I'm writing today.

In just 2 days, July 8th will be here...

On July 8, 2010, I experienced the sudden, unexpected, devastating loss of my angel pup, Rudy. Two years later, I still mourn his death.

When I saved Rudy, so long ago, he was emaciated, sick, and broken. Further, he was suffering from advanced heartworm disease, due to the neglect of his past.

Soon, he underwent heartworm treatment for his condition. And... because he was so young, I prayed he'd simply bounce right back, and go on to live a long, happy, healthy life... with me, his mom.

Yet, much of the damage to Rudy's heart was irreversible. Therefore, I was always overly-protective of him and insanely-aware of his special needs.
When it came to Rudy, I did everything I could. I gave everything I had. I loved with everything I was.

Even still... God had other plans...

On July 8, 2010, Rudy had a sudden, fatal, heart attack. I came home... to find the dead body of my son. He was just 3 years old.

I never got to say goodbye.

It was the worst day of my life.
It was the fateful, tragic day... that changed all the days after.

Before that day, July had always been my favorite month of the year. It represented summer, and sun, and fun. Plus, it's my birthday month.

So, in years prior, when July rolled around, I was always pretty-darn excited for my upcoming b'day on 7/11.

However, the past 2 years have been much different for me.
July just isn't the same... my birthday just isn't the same... my life just isn't the same.

Instead, when July 1st arrives, I brace myself... 
Just seven more days... until July 8th gets here.

While I try to avoid the heartbreaking mental countdown toward that date, I just can't help myself. No matter how much I try to distract my mind, I'm always increasingly-aware of the upcoming anniversary of Rudy's death.

As I sit here today, with yet-another July 8th right around the corner...
I just wish I could hit Rewind.
Or maybe even Stop.
Or at the very least... Pause.

Unfortunately... life just doesn't work that way.

Honestly, the anniversary of Rudy's death is so much more than a heartbreaking reminder of the painful events of that tragic day... the day that broke my heart, changed my life, and changed me... so long ago.

There's also the realization... that yet-another year has passed... without my Rudy.
He's really gone... forever.
He's never coming back.

For me, it's the day that somehow makes his death... even-more official.
The day that makes it... real... all over again.
The day that seems to represent the undeniable truths... of the reality I so desperately wish to deny.

And... worst of all...
It's the day when I have to acknowledge...
that I'm so much farther away...
from the last time I held my baby.

For 2 years now, I've been desperately clinging to every possible memory of my little boy. And yet... each day, I can feel him slipping further away from me. 

Today, certain things are a little harder to recall.
Certain memories have become a little foggy.
Certain moments with him... have almost left me altogether.

While these realizations break my heart to pieces... I guess that's just how the mind moves on.
As much as we wish to retrieve every moment, every detail, and every encounter in the past...
We simply can't remember everything.
Because if we held onto every past memory, then there'd be no room for all the present memories...

Thus, our current reality... would cease to exist.

Which means... no matter how much we try to hold on...
At some point... the past begins to slip away from us...

Regardless, my love for Rudy will never waver, never change, and never leave me.
I'll never stop needing him.
I'll never stop missing him.
I'll never stop wishing he was here.

Honestly, even as I write these words today... it's so hard to describe the way I truly feel... about my Rudy, and the loss of my baby. He is, was, and always will be... everything to me.

But... here's my best attempt to explain myself:

I save dogs for a living. That's what I do. Animal rescue is my passion, my drive, my purpose. It's my life. For me, my dogs are my children.

I rescue them; I love them; I provide them with hope, homes, and futures.

In doing these things, my heart breaks, on a daily basis. I'm forced to see things, to experience things, and to overcome things... I'm not quite ready for.

And sometimes... it's just too much.

Through my work, I have to let go of my "children" ... the children I love so deeply, in order to send them off to their new forever families.

Despite the pain, I always sought refuge... from my own son... my angel dog, Rudy.

And yet... no matter how many dogs I tried to save... the one dog I wanted for my very own, was taken from me, at such a young age.
Now... he's gone.
I couldn't save him.

While our time on Earth with our pets is never long enough... most people are blessed to spend many, many years with their beloved dogs.

And even though I was beyond blessed to experience Rudy's love... if even for just one second of my life... I can't help but feel like I was cheated... and like he was cheated, out of all those future years we deserved to have together.

He deserved that.
I deserved that.

For 2 years now, I've been forced to spend each day without my Rudy. If he were still alive today, he'd only be 5 years old.

He was so young.
It was too soon.
There was no warning... no time to prepare... no chance to say goodbye.
It's just insanely unfair.

And yet... as I've said many times before, the void in my heart after Rudy's death... was ultimately the catalyst for change in my life.

I'd always had BIG dreams...
Of saving more lives through rescue,
Of owning my own business,
Of being, doing, changing more...

But... in truth, while Rudy was in my life... I was so happy, so loved, so content. At that point in time, there was no need to reach for more. I had Rudy. I had everything.

Back then... I did my best to rescue as many dogs as I could, with what I had, from my home...
But no matter what I did, or didn't do-- I had my Rudy.

Then... at the moment he left me... everything changed.
I almost had to reach for something else... for something more... just to occupy my time... to distract myself from the pain.

The result?
Lucky Dog Retreat, Lucky Dog Rescue, Lucky Dog Rescue Blog, and Pet Pardons.

Today...
Almost 2 years later...
As I look back on my life...
I can't ignore the truth...

Any dream I've ever had for myself... has come true...
because Rudy lived,
and because Rudy died.

But mostly...
Because I loved Rudy.
And because Rudy loved me.

Nothing... not even death... could ever take that away from us.

*Dear Rudy,
In just 2 days... it'll be 2-full-years... since I last saw your face.

Every day since... I've longed for you.. I've wished for you... I've hoped for you.

For me, those feelings will never, ever go away. No matter how long I live... no matter how much time passes, there will never be a day when I don't need you anymore.

Even still... since your death, SO MANY lives have been saved... simply because you lived. I'm constantly in awe of your impact on my life... and on the lives of so many other deserving rescue dogs.

While there will never be another YOU on this Earth...
I'll always live... through you.
And you'll always live... through me.

Because I'm your mom, and that's what moms do. They love... forever.

I'll be there soon, baby boy.
I can't wait to see you again.
Love, -Mom

CLICK TO DONATE TO LUCKY DOG RESCUE!

*Check back later for my follow-up to this post!

CLICK HERE to read all of my blogs about Rudy

Touched By An Angel

*If you haven't read Annie's story, Before You Go to Heaven, or the follow-up post, A Gift from God, click here first: http://www.luckydogrescueblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/gift-from-god.html 

On September 14, 2010, my special angel, Annie, left me for Heaven. That very day, a stranger named Mary Ferguson changed my life.

Nearly one year later, on the anniversary of my Rudy's death, I wrote a 3-part post about the events that had happened in the year since Rudy died.

In the 3rd post, I wrote about Mary Ferguson of PhenomeGNOME.

I wanted to surprise her, so I didn't tell Mary that I was writing the post about her. I only sent her this thank you message:

Mary- It’s funny how life works its way back around. It’s been almost a year since you first gave me hope… and here we are again.

You probably don’t even realize what you did for me last year, but honestly, you changed everything. At a time when my life could’ve easily gone another way, you were the turning point for me. You showed an incredible amount of compassion to a complete and total stranger, and in doing so, you gave me back my life. I’d always wondered what it feels like for the dogs I save… when someone who owes them nothing… gives them everything. Now I know.

If I tried to explain all the things that have happened in my life since Rudy died, you probably wouldn’t believe me. But believe this: you made it all possible. Thank you, Mary, from the bottom of my heart.Your generosity saved more lives than you could know, including my own.  -Ashley

So, when I finally shared that special post about the gift from Mary that changed my life, she had no idea it was coming...

At the end of that post, I begged everyone to show Mary their support by liking her facebook page, and purchasing some of her amazing memorial statues. I just wanted to make Mary smile, and maybe return some of the hope she'd given to me the year before.

...But when I shared that post, here's what I didn't know...

That very day, Sunday, July 10, 2011, Mary was crying on her way home. As she was driving, Mary was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. And that day... her world was crumbling around her...

A few years earlier, Mary had finally made the decision to take that leap of faith and do what she loves. Mary is an artist. Her passion: creating... through love and compassion. Specifically, Mary makes special memorial pieces for those who have lost a loved one... in hopes of bringing some comfort and peace to their hearts. Such was the case with me. 

But in making the decision to follow her dreams, Mary faced so many struggles. The income wasn't always there, but the bills were getting larger. And then, her husband got sick. Very sick.

Fast forward to July 10, 2011. As Mary was driving, she decided that maybe it was finally time to give-up on her passion. She began to sob... realizing that it was probably a silly dream after all... and that the time had come for her to move on, for the sake of her family.

Mary wiped her tears, walked inside, and turned on the computer to check for any final orders. Then... her mouth fell open, and chills covered her body...

Mary's inbox was full of inquires and orders. Many of those messages said: "Ashley told me about you. You are amazing." She was beyond confused... wondering what in the world she'd missed...

That's when she went to her facebook page... and saw the hundreds upon hundreds of new fans and comments waiting for her. Every message said: "Ashley sent me." 

Mary thought: "What did Ashley do?? How is she doing this???" That's when she saw the blog post I wrote... about her. 

And that's when she contacted me...

Mary: Ashley!!!!!!!!! I've never... I'm so... I don't even know what to say!!! I think I just fainted, but I can't remember! I'm crying! Sobbing! Tears! Joy! Amazement! Ashley! Thank you!!!!

Me: Did you like your surprise, Mary? :)

Mary: Ashley... you will never know what you did for me today. I was going to quit. I was closing up shop. I was giving up my dreams today, Ashley. You just can't know...

Me: Oh... but I do know, Mary! I know exactly what you mean. You did the same for me last year. It was only fitting that I return that love to you. You should never, ever have to give up your dreams. Maybe now you won't have to...

Mary: OMG! An order just came in from Denmark?! Fainting again!!! Thank you, Ashley!!!

Me: I didn't do this Mary. You did. The kindness in your heart. The compassion for total strangers. The love you so freely and unselfishly give. You did this, Mary, and you deserve it.

Every single day, I try to make a difference in this world. But that moment with Mary... was one of the proudest moments of my life. I will never, ever forget it.

So... the story should end there, right? Mary changed my life. I changed hers. End of story? Well... if you're Mary Ferguson... then you've just gotta do something else to truly blow me away...

A couple of months later, I was checking my email, when I saw a message from Mary waiting there for me.

Subject: Hi Mommy

As I opened that email... I burst into tears. The message read:

Hi Mommy! It's me... Rudy. I miss you so much, but I've made so many friends here at the Rainbow Bridge! I promise I'm okay now, so you don't have to worry about me anymore. Just look at my angel wings!

You're famous here at the Rainbow Bridge, Mommy. So many animals here know you! They're all so happy that you were part of their lives, and they love you so very much. Each of them asked me to thank you... for loving them when no one else would. I feel the same, Mommy. They all want to kiss your face when you get here, but I tell them: ME FIRST!!!

Sorry I can't stay longer, Mommy. I have to go now. But I want you to know what a huge difference you made in my life... and in the lives of every single person and animal you meet.

Please don't be sad for me, Mommy. I'm so happy here... playing in the sun with my friends. Just know that, okay?

Always remember that I love you, I miss you, and even when you can't see me... I'm right there beside you. My whole life... I waited for you to arrive. Now, I'll be right here... waiting for you to arrive again.

Love, Rudy


In all my life, I don't know if I've ever been more speechless. Without my knowledge, Mary had worked tirelessly to create a Rudy memorial just for me. The next week, she mailed it here.

And once again... a package would arrive from Mary Ferguson... that would change my life.

*I asked Mary to add the Pit Bull Angel Memorial to the regular listings in her Etsy shop. And now, YOU can purchase a special, amazing Pit Bull Memorial, too!!!

PLEASE SUPPORT the incredible Mary Ferguson of PhenomeGNOME on Etsy!

Link to purchase Pit Bull Angel Memorial:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/83542508/pitbull-angel-dog-memorial-pit-bull?ref=pr_shop

Link to PhenomeGNOME Etsy shop:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/PhenomeGNOME?ref=seller_info 

PLEASE LIKE her PhenomeGNOME facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/327989953882911/members/#!/PhenomeGNOME

*Mary, from the bottom of my heart... thank you for being you. -Ash

CLICK TO DONATE TO LUCKY DOG RESCUE!

A Gift From God

*If you haven’t read Annie’s story, CLICK HERE to read: Before You Go to Heaven

The following blog post is Part 3 of my special anniversary tribute to Rudy.
CLICK HERE to read Part 1!
CLICK HERE to read Part 2!

For my birthday last year, I ordered a special memorial for my Rudy garden, a small statue of a dog with angel wings. On July 21, 2010, the package arrived, and I lovingly placed the memorial on Rudy’s grave. Then, I let my foster dog Pepsi out to play in the yard, and walked inside.

Pepsi was devastated by Rudy’s death, so she spent most of her time mourning by his grave. Well… apparently, that day, Pepsi decided to take a stab at eating concrete statues. Within 30 minutes, she’d chewed most of the paint and some of the concrete from my special Rudy memorial.

When I went to let Pepsi inside, I found the gnawed statue lying on the doorstep. In total disbelief, I picked it up, examined the damage, and said, “You have GOT to be kidding me! Pepsi!!! Concrete?!” Then, I quickly checked her mouth for broken teeth and her throat for any debris. She was fine. The statue… not so much.

Saddened and super-embarrassed, I sent a message to the Etsy seller who made the statue, Mary Ferguson of PhenomeGNOME. The message said:

Mary, I received my statue today, and I love it! It’s perfect! Well… it was. I’m pretty embarrassed to tell you what happened. Rudy’s best friend, my foster dog Pepsi, hasn’t been handling Rudy’s death very well. So, I guess she decided to take it out on my statue today. Thirty minutes after I placed the memorial in Rudy’s garden, I found it by the door. And it was… um… missing some paint, and some… um… concrete. Yes, that’s right. Concrete. Pepsi chewed on a concrete statue.

Sadly, I can’t afford to buy another right now. But I think touching-up the paint may hide some of the teeth marks on the concrete. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.) So anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me what color and type of paint I could use to do touch ups? I know you’re busy, and this isn’t your problem, I just hate to put the chewed-up memorial back by Rudy’s grave. I want it to be special for him. Let me know. And thank you, by the way. Your work is amazing. -Ashley

Pepsi, the culprit

Mary was so gracious and funny about the whole thing. She asked if I could send some photos of the damage so she could determine the best way to fix it. I sent pictures with a message that said: “Welcome to my crazy life!” Mary’s response to the photos made me laugh: “OMG Ashley! She really chomped away at it, didn’t she?!”

Then, Mary generously offered to send me the paint to touch-up the statue, and I offered to pay for shipping. She mailed that package on July 30^th and sent me the shipping confirmation. When I tried to send reimbursement, Mary simply said, “Consider it my gift to you. It’s been a pleasure.”

Now, keep in mind-- Mary and I were total strangers at this point. Our interactions had been limited to my initial online purchase and the messaging back-and-forth about Pepsi’s destructive chewing. So, this woman honestly owed me nothing. But that little gesture on her behalf touched me in a way that brought tears to my eyes… and hope to my heart. And honestly, at the time, that was everything to me.

After that, my life got pretty crazy, and my brain wasn’t always functioning at full capacity. A month or so passed, and one day, I suddenly realized that I’d never received the paint. I contacted Mary, and she was shocked to hear that it hadn’t arrived. She re-sent the tracking number, and I checked the status, which said: In-transit. Since Mary didn’t want me to wait any longer, she generously offered to send me another package of paint.

Here’s where it gets good:

When Mary sent that second package, neither of us had any way of knowing that I was about to take-in a special dog named Annie, who would soon leave me for Heaven. So it was ironic that Mary’s package arrived on September 14, 2010… the day Annie died.

That day was incredibly painful for me. While Annie was in my home, I refused to expose her to any sadness. So, the day she died, the walls surrounding my pain finally collapsed.

As I drove home with Annie’s dead body in my backseat, the floodgates opened… and the pain in my heart poured down my face as teardrops. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the despair I’d held inside since my very first day with Annie. I sobbed uncontrollably… for Annie… for Rudy… and for me. I asked God why He thought I could handle so much… why I was forced to let go of another baby so soon after losing Rudy. It was just unbearable.

Suddenly... I could feel the change taking place within myself. That devastating pain was back in my life… the despair I’d fought so hard to overcome after Rudy’s death. At that moment, I could feel all of the hope slipping from my heart, and honestly, I was ready to give up.

I pulled into my driveway, took a deep breath, and prepared to bury yet another dog. I couldn’t believe it… I was back here once again. But this time, there was no denying the truth: it was real; it was happening; and it was time. I got out, unloaded Annie, and chose a spot right next to Rudy. As I laid her in the ground, I fought back the tears, the pain, and the anger I’d been avoiding for days... and really, since Rudy died.

After I covered her body, I stood there in silence. Then… with the realization that yet another piece of my heart was resting beneath the Earth, I surrendered and walked inside.

That’s when I spotted a package on the counter. The label said, Shipped by: Mary Ferguson. In an attempt to distract my broken heart, I decided to go ahead and open it. I wiped the tears from my eyes, peeled back the tape, and opened the box.

And then… my heart stopped…

There are moments in life where God proves His existence, His compassion, and His mercy. In all my life, I have never known a moment quite like this one.

Because Mary’s package contained more than just touch-up paint. I reached inside to find a brand new memorial statue for Rudy’s grave… and something else. A second memorial piece… shaped like a heart… with a paw print in the middle.

Chills ran down my spine and tears filled my eyes… knowing that this moment was truly beyond all coincidence. My hands were shaking as I opened Mary’s note:

Ashley- I thought both you & Rudy deserved much better than a chewed-up statue, so I sent you another. I also made a second piece just for you. I’m not sure if you have somewhere to put it, but hopefully you can find a place. You have a big heart Ashley -- I can feel it through our communication -- and that heart should be rewarded with more than I can ever give you. -Mary

Suddenly, tears were streaming down my face, as this woman—a complete stranger—had just managed to touch my heart more than anyone else ever had. I was truly speechless, shocked, and awestruck. In that moment, I could feel a divine love surrounding me… a power that was larger than Mary, or myself, and both of us combined.

Because, in truth, Annie didn’t enter my life until after the package was shipped, so Mary had no way of knowing that I would actually need a second memorial, or that it would arrive on the very day I needed it. But through her generosity, I now had the perfect way to honor Annie’s grave, as well as Rudy’s. It was an unbelievable gift.

But, there’s more:

The original package was never delivered to my home, and it was never returned to Mary. We only have the confirmation that it was shipped to my address.

The last time I’d checked the status on that first shipment, was the day before the second package arrived. And, as always, it said: In Transit. So, when the second shipment finally got here, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to check the status on that first package one last time…

When I entered the tracking number of the original shipment and hit Submit, I read: There is no record of this item.  In disbelief, I rechecked and reentered the information again, with the same result: There is no record of this item. I felt chills all over my body, sensing the power of those events we can’t quite explain. Because… for more than a month, that status had read: In Transit. Then, upon the arrival of an unrelated shipment, there was suddenly no record that the first package had ever existed:  There is no record of this item.

I have no idea what happened to that package, but I know one thing for sure… it was never coming here. My greatest hope is that God re-routed that shipment to someone else with a broken heart. Maybe it brought them the same hope it brought me.

The package from Mary was honestly the turning point for me. Finally, I knew that Rudy was okay; I knew that Annie was okay. And most of all, I knew that I’d be okay, because God still cared about me.

How did I know? Well… on September 14, 2010, I received a gift from God. It came in a cardboard box. And when I opened it, these are the words that filled my heart: “Ashley, You can’t give up, because this is why I created you. Keep going… It’s just about to get good…”

--The story was meant to end there. But, in another ironic turn of events…

Ali & I

Last week, Ali’s new dad, Paul DeLeo, searched online for a surprise gift to send me for the anniversary of Rudy’s death. I had no idea he was doing any of this, and he knew nothing of this story or my relationship with Mary.

So, when he ran across the perfect memorial statue online, he contacted the seller. And ironically, it was none other than Mary Ferguson. When Paul explained that he was buying a surprise gift for his friend Ashley Owen Hill, Mary laughed and said, “I think Ashley already has one of my statues. In fact, she has 2. Well, really, 3!”

Paul was totally confused, so Mary told the story I just shared with you. Then she said, “How about this. Instead of buying something from me, send the money to Ashley as a donation. Also, I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, so make sure you tell Ashley about our chance encounter. I know she’ll be just as excited about it as I am.”

Paul & Ali

And I was. After his talk with Mary, Paul sent me a message, and ironically, I received that message as I was writing this very story. Yet again, I was completely blown away. I responded: “You’re kidding!!! You contacted Mary Ferguson?? My Mary?! I don’t even know what to say!!! I love Mary!”

I smiled and laughed to myself, knowing that, once again, there was no explanation for this event. Honestly, it was so unlikely that Paul would ever contact Mary… eerily unlikely. Yes, Mary Ferguson sells the most incredible garden statues (which you should all BUY!), but there are literally hundreds of other statue/memorial retailers online. When I initially searched for Rudy’s memorial, I looked for hours before I ran across Mary’s wonderful store and the perfect item within it. But of course, Paul found Mary right away. Of course he did.

And so, just in time for Rudy’s anniversary, Mary would enter my life again, to remind me of that unbelievable hope she gave me before. After I replied to Paul, I sent Mary the following message:

Mary- It’s funny how life works its way back around. It’s almost been a year since you first gave me hope… and here we are again.

You probably don’t even realize what you did for me last year, but honestly, you changed everything. At a time when my life could’ve easily gone another way, you were the turning point for me. You showed an incredible amount of compassion to a complete and total stranger, and in doing so, you gave me back my life. I’d always wondered what it feels like for the dogs I save… when someone who owes them nothing… gives them everything. Now I know.

If I tried to explain all the things that have happened in my life since Rudy died, you probably wouldn’t believe me. But believe this: you made it all possible. Thank you, Mary, from the bottom of my heart. Your generosity saved more lives than you could know, including my own.  -Ashley

*Mary Ferguson is an incredible human being with a heart of gold. Please thank her for what she did for me by doing 2 things:

PLEASE LIKE her PhenomeGNOME facebook page, & tell her that I sent you! 

Please visit her Etsy shop, PhenomeGNOME. She specializes in handmade garden statues, and her work is amazing! Please buy something!

CLICK HERE to read all of my blogs about Annie!

CLICK TO DONATE TO LUCKY DOG RESCUE!

One Year Later

*CLICK HERE to read Part 1: One Year Ago Today

The days and weeks after Rudy’s death were some of the toughest of my life. Especially that next day, July 9, 2010, when I had to accept that he was really gone forever.

During that time, I let the pain break me; I let the grief change me; I let my spirit die with him. I became so far removed from the person I was before, that I honestly didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was just… there. And barely.

While so many friends tried to comfort me, my only request was to be left alone. Because that’s exactly how I felt… alone. Abandoned. Shocked. Angry. Heartbroken. Devastated. And alone.

Even still, I was lucky to have so many people who cared about me. I received more calls, emails, and special gifts than I had at any other time in my life. I had messages from across the country, from people I’d never talked to, reaching out to offer comfort and support. Each person also took the time to explain how I had personally inspired them in some way, and those words truly meant the world to me.

But honestly... I couldn’t see myself as any kind of inspiration. I felt like quite the opposite… a complete and total failure.

One night, I talked to my friend Katie. She was trying to cheer me up by reminding me of all the lives I’d saved over the years. But for me, it had all lost its meaning. I said, “I don’t even know if I care anymore. I honestly think it’s best for me to take a break for a while. Maybe forever.” Katie said, “Ash! No! These dogs need you! You can’t take a break! Please don’t quit!” I responded, “My heart is too broken for this right now. I just can’t do it anymore.” And I got off the phone.

In saying those words… the words I’d promised myself I’d never say… I never wanted to give up on the dogs who need me. But after Rudy’s death, I suddenly felt like my heart just couldn’t take it, like every bit of strength and optimism I’d held inside had been ripped away. For so long—but not long enough—Rudy had been my comfort… from the pain of the work I do, from the cruelty of the world, and often, from reality itself. And now, he was gone. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. And tragically. In addition to Rudy, what really died for me… was hope.

Rudy died on July 8^th. My 26^th birthday was on July 11^th, and it was easily the toughest birthday I’ve ever had. I hadn’t left my house in days, and the last thing I wanted was for people to wish me a “happy” birthday. I just couldn’t bear to talk to anyone. I knew how depressing it was to be in my presence, and I hated myself for being the person I never wanted to be. I was suddenly so different… in the worst possible way… and I didn’t want to burden others with my pain.

For my birthday, I ordered a special memorial for Rudy, a small garden statue of a dog with angel wings. It was just perfect for the flowerbed I’d planted over Rudy’s grave. *Remember this part of the story… it comes back later… in a big way. I’ll share that tomorrow.*

On my birthday, Katie called, asking if she could stop by my house. I nicely told her that I didn’t want to see anyone. But she insisted, saying, “Ash, I’ll only stay a second. I have something for you.”

So I reluctantly agreed… but I warned her that the person she’d see when she arrived was not the same Ash she knew and loved. When she got here, I could see the initial shock on her face in witnessing what the grief had done to me. Despite that, she said, “You look good, Ash.” I responded: “I look like hell. But thanks for caring enough to lie.” Katie said, “Hush. You always look beautiful.”

She had a big smile on her face… which I found odd… but I assumed she was just trying to help me feel normal again. Then, she handed me a card. As I went to take it from her, she stopped me… and said: “The day after Rudy died, I started calling everyone we know. I wanted your birthday to be special, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you giving up on rescue. If I’d had more time, I could’ve done more… but in 2 days, this is what I was able to do for you…”

I asked, “Katie, what did you do??” She grinned and said, “Open it.” I opened the card to find more than $600 in donations… which at the time, was unprecedented for me. The card itself held more signatures than I could even count.

I was completely speechless. I sat there, staring at this card… a representation of so much compassion… tangible proof that so many people in my hometown actually love me and the work I do. I’ve often asked myself, “Does anyone here really care about my work… about my attempts to change the world?” That day, I knew the answer. They do care. Many of them.

With tears streaming down my face, I said, “You didn’t have to do this.” She said, “I wanted to do it… for you. And for all the dogs who need you. Ash, please don’t give up. Just look at how many people believe in you.”

That was the first time since Rudy died that I thought, maybe… just maybe… hope still existed.

A few days later, a tagged photo on facebook would inevitably lead to the purchase of Lucky Dog Retreat… and the realization of my lifelong dream. Suddenly, I was beginning to understand why Rudy had to leave me. In truth, the void in my heart after his death was ultimately the catalyst of change in my life. That loss would push me forward… guiding me towards hope and opportunity… and allowing me to reach my dreams.

And so... instead of despair, I grabbed hope... and held on for the wildest ride of my life...

Over the next few months, so many positive things happened for me. Lucky Dog Retreat became incredibly successful, and I was able to save many more lives through Lucky Dog Rescue. One of those special dogs was Annie, and later sharing her story would change my life in a huge way. (There’s another piece of Annie’s story I haven’t shared before… an event after her death that would give me all the hope I needed for the rest of this story to be possible. I’ll share that story tomorrow. It’s unreal.)

Over time, as each new rescue dog came through, I could feel their love slowly patching the holes in my heart. There are far too many dogs to list them all by name, but they each changed me, healed me, and further saved me from despair. And in December, I adopted my dog Riley, who would provide the final piece of healing.

Also in December, we launched Pet Pardons, a small idea that became huge. I didn’t understand at the time just how huge it really was, but it was a total game changer for me personally, and a life saver for so many pets on death row. Pet Pardons has restored my faith in humanity, compassion, and action, and to date, more than 150,000 users have helped us save more than 3000 lives.

  

In January, a friend of mine, Catherine Moore, suggested that I start a blog, and she offered to build it for me. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and while I was nervous about putting myself out there, I didn’t have much to lose.

I decided on the name “Lucky Dog Rescue Blog,” and lovingly dedicated the site to my Rudy. On January 12, 2011, I launched my first post, My Story.

In all honesty, my greatest hope was that a couple of people would read it, and maybe one person would feel inspired to get involved. That was honestly the extent of my dreams for this thing. But I had no idea… that this blog would completely change my life...

I started writing, and people started reading. And more started reading. And then even more joined in. Messages from across the country—across the globe—were filling my inbox, and my heart was so full at the realization that people were not only connecting with my words, but also finding comfort and being driven to action.

Then, in March, I wrote the story that would change everything… Annie’s story. Yes, that Annie. Annie was a terminally ill death row rescue, who lived her last days in my home. At the suggestion of some friends, I wrote about her time with me… hoping it would inspire someone to do the same for another deserving dog. On March 7, 2011, I posted Annie’s story, assuming it would be just like every other post.

That’s when I was contacted by Care2.com, asking to feature the story in their “Rescue of the Week” segment. I was truly honored, but I still had no idea how far Annie’s story would reach. Adopt-a-Pet shared the story, Alyssa Milano tweeted the post, and Dogster.com, BellaDog Magazine, and countless other sites and publications also featured the story.

Suddenly, rescues and shelters from across the country were asking for my help to develop end-of-life programs for terminally ill pets. The fabulous Dr. Pia Salk of Adopt-a-Pet also called me for a long chat about how the story had personally impacted her. Pia and I would later work together on a post for Martha Stewart's blog. In addition, Guarding Dogs-The Documentary decided to make Lucky Dog Rescue part of their upcoming film project.

Before March, Annie’s life had only ever mattered to me. Now, her memory lives on in the hearts of more people that I ever could’ve imagined…

Because, to date, Annie’s story has been read and shared by well over 100,000 people… and growing.

Following that post, major websites contacted me to write guest blogs for their readers. For my Dogster.com guest blog, I chose to write a story I’d shared in the past… but from a different perspective. That story… was Rudy’s story… and it would be the next game changer for me. I sobbed as I poured my heart into the story of my little boy, and the writing process healed my heart in places that I didn’t know were still hurting. But in sharing that post, I had no idea just how huge it would be…

After Dogster’s feature, I was flooded with calls and messages from people around the world who had been touched by the piece… and the outpouring of compassion and support was nothing short of incredible. American Dog Magazine featured Rudy’s story in their summer issue, along with another of my blog posts, and a 2-page feature on me and Lucky Dog Rescue. That's 6 pages in their summer issue. Unreal.

Ahh yes, the "Barbie" photo

Following the Rudy blog, several other posts would hit it big, with an insane number of clicks and shares. Every week, I’m contacted by another site or publication that wants to feature one of my posts. It’s completely unbelievable. I wish I had the words to explain how honored, touched, and appreciative I am for the outpouring of support I’ve received. "Thank you" just doesn't seem sufficient.

My blog also led to another amazing event this year. A few months ago, one of my blog readers, Michelle Sathe, author of “Pit Stops,” added Lucky Dog Rescue as a stop on her cross-country book tour. In May, she finally came to visit, and it was one of the highlights of my year by far. Also, the blog post Michelle wrote about her time with me was one of the most wonderful pieces ever written about this ole Mississippi girl.

Today, six months after my very first post, Lucky Dog Rescue Blog gets more than 55,000 page views per month… and growing. I’ve received messages from readers across the world, in more than 30 different countries, and I’ve connected with more people than I ever could’ve imagined. Each day, so many special readers take the time to tell me how I’ve inspired them, changed their way of thinking, or driven them to action. After reading my posts, people are suddenly stepping-up to volunteer, foster, and transport… and those very readers are truly changing the world. It’s just more than I ever dreamed possible.

Because... if I’m being honest... I’m still shocked that anyone at all is reading this thing…

Last month, Lucky Dog Rescue received its official 501(c)(3) nonprofit status. That was another huge game changer. At 26 years old, I achieved my ultimate goal in life, giving me the chance to save so many more lives going forward. On that day, I felt Rudy, right there with me, saying, “You did it!” But I never would’ve done it, without him. His life inspired me beyond belief… and his death motivated me like nothing else ever could.

Receiving my tax exempt letter was a major accomplishment and the perfect ending to an amazing year… or so I thought. But just before the year ran out… the final piece fell into place. More on that later, but it’s the biggest game changer of all...

One year ago, my life changed forever. And every day since, it’s changed forever too. But the biggest changes only happened, when I altered my mission… from mourning Rudy’s death… to honoring Rudy’s life.

In doing so, I opened my heart, I followed my dreams, and I fought my way back… to hope.

And wow… what a year it’s been…

*Rudy, I love you so much. Thank you for changing my world as much in death... as you did in life. I hope I've made you proud, buddy. When I get to Heaven, I expect to see a long line of dogs waiting to greet me. Please make sure you're first in line. I miss you.
-Mom

**Next, I’ll share one of the most incredible moments from last year, the event after Annie’s death that made this entire year possible. Click below to read that post (Part 3):

http://luckydogrescueblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/gift-from-god.html

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